


you left a ghost for us

by notmarklee



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Gen, Heavy Angst, Na Jaemin-centric, References to Depression, Sad, Separation Anxiety, jaemin is angry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-21
Updated: 2021-01-21
Packaged: 2021-03-12 12:00:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 693
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28885020
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/notmarklee/pseuds/notmarklee
Summary: He stopped answering the door, answering calls, answering the voices in his head. It was simply easier not to.Ignore the world, and it will ignore you back.
Comments: 4
Kudos: 15





	you left a ghost for us

His resolve crumbling, Jaemin wasn't sure how much longer he could go on.

In fact, he wasn't even sure when he stopped caring. Maybe it was yesterday, maybe it was last week, maybe it was months ago. He couldn't pinpoint what had been the last straw. The static noise in his head only grew louder and louder with each passing day, body void of feelings and head full of nonsense.

His bed called, so that's where he stayed. Stayed. And stayed. For days and nights and all the lost time in between.

He stayed.  _ Not like you, though _ .

At first, he hurt. He bled and screamed and cried and yelled and scratched at the door like an upset cat waiting to be let in. Waiting to be invited inside where everything was warm and bright and cosy. Where everything was okay. 

Jaemin was left outside. 

He was left in the cold and the dark, left to have his heart rot in his chest, to have it shrivel up and disintegrate into dust so he was nothing more than an empty soul. Everything he’d ever known and loved stripped from his body in a selfish attempt from others to shield him. The ignorance used to gnaw at his mind, and he used to wonder what was so huge that everyone in his life had to keep it from him. But when it got out, he understood. And when it got worse, he ached. He wished he’d never known, never been told, never even been curious. He wished that people could have had the decency to keep their saddened glances and tiny whispers full of black secrets to themselves when he entered a room so that he never knew there was something to be worried about in the first place. 

Jaemin thought this was what people meant when they said they felt like hell. Anger and frustration, seeing red all the time. He thought they were right. Why was this fair? Why was he the one having to run away when all he wanted was everything to be as it once was? Why was he the one that had to lose everything in the face of the unknown? He would run for days and days, trying to find solace in anything he could. To focus on literally anything else other than the fact that his entire life was falling apart around him and crumbling into chunks of bittersweet memories of better times at his feet. 

He ran until there was nowhere else to go. Until he came to the edge of the plank and fell head first in the water, drowning in the suffering and giving in to the silence.

And then suddenly there was nothing. No anger or frustration. No secrets. No feelings. No nothing. Just Na Jaemin, laying in bed for what was either the tenth or hundredth day in a row, waiting for it all to end. He was tired of running. At this point he couldn’t even remember what he was trying so desperately to escape from. All he knew was that he was done trying to chase the sun into a new horizon. Jaemin had had enough of chasing the light that slipped through his fingers every single time he got close enough to try and grasp for that time where he didn’t feel so bitter about the universe. 

Suddenly he couldn’t see the point. He didn’t bother trying to argue with the people that he was pushing away about how  _ unfair _ it all was anymore. About how it shouldn’t be him. Sure, he wasn’t perfect, but he didn’t deserve this.  _ Right? I don’t deserve this. _ He stopped answering the door, answering calls, answering the voices in his head. It was simply easier not to.

Ignore the world, and it will ignore you back.

Jaemin had never been religious, but for a while he found himself wishing he was. At least then, he’d have something to believe in. Jaemin stopped believing in everything and everyone the second he stopped believing you’d come back.

When you left, there was nothing left for Jaemin.

When you left, there was no Jaemin left. 

**Author's Note:**

> this was very deep haha i’m sorry 
> 
> twt: neodreamx


End file.
